what if

I know I've been absent for quite some time, but I haven't found inspiration in any of the prompt sites I've been visiting. I found inspiration in something else today...

I always loved the *choose your own adventure* books - you know, the ones where you'd get to the end of a page and you could choose to go to page 42 for one response to a situation or you could go to page 189 for another response. Somehow, I'd read through those books over and over again just to see if I could find out what all of the possible scenarios were. Sometimes, I'd die a horrible death and sometimes I'd solve the mystery and be a hero. It made for some interesting afternoons.

Driving home from a meeting today, a complete stranger honked at me and saluted as he passed. As his bumper came into view, I saw that he had a *Semper Fi* sticker and a USMC *eagle, globe, and anchor* as well. Remember that I am driving my brother's truck: the brother who was a Marine; the brother who died almost seven years ago. That honk and salute got me to thinking about the big What If.

What if Doobie had not gone to work for that hitch. What if he had decided to stay home, where he was living with my sister, and just hang out for the whole week instead. He only worked 7 on/7 off. What if he had decided to go to work but decided not to do that last little bit of work - whatever it was that caused him to fall. What if he decided to do that last little bit of work, but had NOT unbuckled his safety harness. What if. What if. What if...

I can't imagine what my life would be like now if he hadn't died. I can't begin to pick one part of my life that I would change except for him not being here. This is where the real questions start popping up in my head. (you have to remember that I am overly analytical in my head when it comes to imagining situations) What would be different? Would I have bought my house? Probably not. Would my sister have gotten pregnant when she did? Probably not. If I didn't have my house, and my sister hadn't gotten pregnant, would I have even still been here in this town when I met my husband? Who knows? I get that Jimmy-Stewart-It's-A-Wonderful-Life-but-in-a-different-way feeling. Who's to say why things happen when they do? If everything happens for a reason, for some kind of cosmic balance, why do they happen?

Sometimes I make myself feel better (for a little while at least) and think that surely The Almighty would never make my mother suffer the loss of another child. Then I think about my dad's Aunt Dorothy who lost three of her four children. I think about the mothers in time from beginning to end who have lost children for whatever reason. I know that I'm no more special than anyone else and I can't even begin to imagine the anguish of burying my own flesh and blood - that I carried and nurtured in my womb and loved before I could even hear a heartbeat or feel a soft cheek. I could barely stand to leave her in the hospital nursery for photo-therapy treatment.

I am at a loss for words. I cannot think how to end this. All I can think now is What If.